Trust

  “The only element that keeps people from being terrified of each other is trust. The moment that is lost, people become nightmares to each other.”

Sometimes it is worth reading an entire book to get two lines which make more sense than the entire book. This is what happened when I read R.K Narayanan’s book “the financial expert”. In the last few pages was the above two lines and I suddenly grasped the import of those words. They reached out and grabbed my attention.

When we analyze our lives we find that every interaction that we have with people is based on mutual trust. We decide to talk to people, confide in friends, ask for advice and help all based on trust. Trust seems to be implicit in every association.

We trust shopkeepers on their word of the quality of their goods. They trust us with the authenticity of our money. We trust our friends with our secrets; they reciprocate by trusting our word. We trust our employer to pay us and they trust us with their work. We trust our parents with ourselves and they trust us with always loving and caring for them.

Sometimes trust has to be earned through many years. Sometimes it takes only a matter of minutes. Like my visa interview that lasted only 2 min. Or the trust my mother has in me earned through many years.

The second line in the quote made me reflect on what happens when trust is lost. How can you lose trust? You loose trust when a person behaves in a way that you thought (s)he would never behave in. What happens when you lose trust in people? Exactly what the sentence says. They become nightmares to you. Every instant seems to be a road to perdition.

The crazy way in which the world works also points to the existence of a clause which says that even when trust is lost it can still be regained. Trust is a confusing term and I feel people use it for a host of terms. To name a few :

love : “I trust you to be there for me always“

commitment : “I trust you to finish this piece of work”

secrecy : “I trust you to not tell anyone about this information”

and so on. I trust you find this informative. 🙂

Thirupathi Trip

  Most people, in India, will know about Thirupathi. That’s a famous temple up on a hill in AP. Rumor has it that it is the second richest holy place in the world, next only to Vatican. Rich, because of the offerings of the many devotees who throng the temple each day. To get to the main deity, on your worst day, there could be a wait time of 72 hours! Considering that we were pretty lucky! Had to wait only for 6 hours in a room that resembled a cage!

  My friend and I took a package tour to Thirupathi from Bangalore. I learnt an important lesson on how package tours work. They often hide facts! We were told in the beginning that it would cost us about Rs. 1100 for the entire trip, which is inclusive of a room for four hours at a restaurant, breakfast and lunch. After that we were to have Dharshan (face to face with the main deity) and head back to Bangalore.

  Well so much for the plan. What actually happened is the following. After four hours at the restaurant they told us that before the Dharshan they would take us to another place. For this trip we have to pay!! So we asked them what happens if we don’t go for that. They said that cannot be done because there is nowhere else they can put us up during that time. So we went paying the extra money.

  Once back they said there is further delay and we will have to take up a room at the hotel. If we don’t we would have to sit in the bus or by the highway as the dharshan is delayed. So we were forced to pay for this too.

  Numerous hidden expenditure such as the ones specified is included in almost every package tour, weather it’s a one day trip to the zoo or a round trip around the world. What you need to do before embarking on such a trip is to find out if someone else has taken the same trip and the experience they have had.

Knowing a person

  A few days back I had a very intriguing conversation with my good friend. It was about a subject that has been occupying my thoughts for a while. I needed answers and outside help. So I turned to him.  That evening after work I told him “lets go for a walk, and this time no distractions!” So I left my mobile at home and ensured that the conversation is focused and uninterrupted.

  I started by asking “Dude, we have known each other for over six years now. But how well do we know each other?” To this he set out with the following exposition.

  “What do you mean by knowing a person? Do you mean we can get along without any fights? Do you mean we can stay as roommates for over a year now and spend most of our time together without getting bored or bugged with each other? If you do, then we know each other pretty well! We don’t get into arguments and we don’t have major disagreements.” He was probably giving an explanation based on my concepts, in my language so that I can feel at ease.

  That got me thinking. Maybe we do not have major arguments and disagreements because we do not know each other at all. Maybe we have decided to shut our eyes to each others faults, maybe we have decided, subconsciously, to not broach topics where our opinions conflict. That reasoning would again point to the conclusion that we know each other’s likes and dislikes. Does that encompass knowing a person? Is “knowing” a person all about knowing what a person likes and dislikes?

  We continued our walk and along with that our conversation, and he put the question back to me. “If you were to put a percentage on how well I know you what would you pick?”

  So I go:  “about 80 to 90 percent”. To this, his answer surprised me “No way dude! That’s way too much and how did you pick that figure?”

  Then my answer was

  “I would have to evaluate it the following way: I would first think about how well you know about my likes and dislikes, then I would think about how many different moods have you seen me. I might go one step further and see if you know about my friends, work, family, history and other peripheral factors. How well can you predict the way in which I will act under certain circumstances?”

  That’s how I might try to quantify and arrive at a percentage. Hearing this he upped the figure. He said in that case then he would probably know 95-99 %.  Six years in enough time for that.

  But he had a slightly different way of figuring out how well he knew a person. To him it was more about how honest a person was. Does he beat around the bush or does he give straight answers. If he, my conversation partner, were to ask a person a question how direct will the answer be? Would he try to avoid the question or imply that he does not want to answer the question?

  Based on that analysis he says he does not know me that well. He does not get answers at times, at times the answers are a bit twisted. Not that he minds! He knows me well enough to not let that bug him. He has come to the conclusion that this is how I am and this is how I should be dealt with.
 
  Which brings us back to the topic of our discussion what is knowing a person all about?

1. Is it about knowing the likes and dislikes?
2. Is it about knowing the different moods?
3. Is it about predicting how a person will behave?
4. Is it about knowing the background?
5. Is it about knowing a person in and out?
6. Is it about knowing where a person will be at a particular time?
7. Is it about knowing what a person is doing at a particular time?
8. Is it about expecting honest answers all the time?
9. Is it about knowing that the person has your best interests at heart?
10. Is it about knowing that that person knows you?
  This list goes on. But the gist is clear. Different people have different viewpoints as far as knowing a person is concerned. How important is it to know a person? It is important only to the point you define it. For a woman it might be important to know that the guy will not abuse her. For a friend it is important to know that your friend will not take advantage of you. For a parent it is important to know that your children love you and respect you.
 
  So is “knowing” only about selective knowing and if you know what you need to know about a person will you assume that you know all about him/her?

Expectations and Relationships

  As you go through life you find that, often you relearn the fundamental principles that lead to a good life. By the fundamental principles I mean the ones that were inculcated in you by your parents, teachers and other older people who could have influenced you. The process of forceful learning starts at a very young age and continues only to a certain stage. Beyond that you make conscious decisions to learn or not.

  Then comes a stage in your life when you are faced with many questions. You are unsure as to the decisions you should take. You are unsure as to the kind of person you want to be. You find help by reading books and talking to people of your age group. You discard the advice of older people because you feel they are not in touch with your generation.

  One of the lessons I learnt recently is about expectations. I know most people learn this pretty early, but then I have always resented learning it. Expectations are the corner stone on which close relationships are built. You expect your close friends to act in a particular way. You expect your girlfriend/ boyfriend or spouse to do certain things. You have expectations of your son/daughter, parents, siblings and other close relationships. This is completely natural. The flip side is also true, these close relations of yours including your friends have expectations of you. They want you to be honest; they want you to tell them of your thoughts, feelings and fears. They want to see the real you and not the façade that you put up.

  I learnt that you cannot be the same with a good friend as you are with an acquaintance. This was brought to light a few weeks back when a friend of mine, rather an acquaintance, asked me the question “who are all your friends in Bangalore?” I gave her a list of twenty people, including her, who I had met probably 4 or 5 times before.

  Then she said

  “This conversation is making me uncomfortable. It is impossible to name me and people you have know for ages in the same breath. It makes me wonder about the kind of person you are.”

  That got me thinking for a while. Well again it comes back to expectations. The world expects people to act and behave in a particular way. She went to the extent of expecting what my close friends expect of me. That is to name them and not her.

  Another friend of mine, this time yes! A friend, spoke at length of expectations.

  She said, “ Your close friends need to know more about you. You owe that to them. They deserve it. That’s what they expect of you and when you don’t provide they feel unsatisfied. They feel as though you are hiding something and that you don’t trust them. You have no idea how many people care about you and want to know you better. How will you know unless you talk, unless you tell them about yourself, unless you want to know about them?” Those were strong words and to an extent I did get the meaning behind them.

  Well let me also provide the counter argument provided by my good buddy who I have known for a very long time now. He says that maybe, I don’t have to be open and close to people. For if I do, then that might allow them to interfere in my personal choices and beliefs. They might disapprove of certain aspects. That would lead to friction. That might cause a good relationship to turn sour. So if you are the kind of person who would like to lead a life where relationships are without hick ups and without fights then the approach I choose is effective.

  He says that it will work for 99 percent of the relationships I have. There the world will appear perfect. In only 1 percent where there are close relationships, with expectations, will this approach cause a problem!

  I guess both approaches, one where you are open and honest and another where you are closed and put up a façade, have their advantages and disadvantages. Let me try to sum them up.  

  The advantages of a closed personality are
1. You do not have any fights
2. You can afford to not tell people about aspects they might not approve
3. You can have great relationships even with people who are very different from you
4. You will have many friends
5. You will be remembered as a great guy who is fun to be with

  The disadvantages are 
1. You appear two dimensional, without emotions to others
2. You do not have close relationships
3. People think of you as a person whom they never really knew
4. After a while people stop expecting things from you.
5. They wonder if you are truthful or if you are manipulating them

  The advantages of an open personality are
1. People know who you are
2. People know very well who all matter to you and who do not
3. People know what to expect from you and how will you behave
4. You have some very close friends who completely know you
5. Your close friends know that you have their best interests at heart

  The disadvantages are
1. You occasionally have fights with others
2. You cant get along with people who are very different from you
3. You might upset people and get easily bugged with others
 
  That’s what I have analyzed and found out. You can probably imagine which approach I have chosen. You can also imagine the consequences of the choice. But the interesting part is that even after knowing about both approaches and the consequences, I would still pick the one where I am comfortable. Finally that’s what you have to do. Figure out what would you rather have. Figure out how much are you willing to change. Figure out what you want in life. Figure out the kind of relationships you want. Figure out who matter to you and how much. Figure out a place for each person. Prioritize and spend time and effort according to that place and priority. You need to be clear on this. Otherwise you will send mixed signals and that is worse.

  If you are going to be close to a person they would expect you to spend good time with them. If you aren’t then they would not expect it, you have a choice. I leave the question to you. What would you rather have?

The art of feedback

   Here I consider two kinds of feedback and how they are given and how they should be taken.

   I believe that there are two possible kinds of feedback. I term them the following

1. Passionate
2. Observatory

   The first kind is a deep felt feedback. I call it passionate because you deliver it with intense passion. You have strong opinions and deep desire to inform someone what you felt. Generally it is when the person has hurt you or done something that you did not like. You tell him/her that this is what you felt when they did it. You also tell them in the same animated breath that what they have done was wrong. That they need to change. That they have a particular trait, which has to be worked on.

   This kind works wonders because you are sure to grab attention and get a good hearing. But what you have to be careful while giving a passionate feedback, is you have to ensure that the receiver knows that you care for him/her. If that is not specified and established, the feedback is going to be useless. The passion that you exhibit will be misunderstood. If I am the receiver then I hear it as “You bug me and irritate me”. I get defensive and your attempt is wasted.

   So start with saying “I really want you to improve and become a better person. I care for you and I want us to be close, where we have let down our barriers. Where it is possible for us to criticize each other constructively. That is what relationships are all about.”  Once that is done, then you can commence your passionate feedback. This will work only with your friends and other close relationships.

   The above analysis might give you the impression that passionate feedback is only constructive criticism. That you can only point out areas of improvement. Well that is not the case. Passionate feedback can also be given to point out positive personality characteristics. When you observe something that is so beautiful in a person you give passionate feedback saying that you were impressed. Maybe you even give a hug saying, “I admire this quality in you”.

   So much for giving passionate feedback! Now about receiving feedback when it is delivered with lots of emotion. Since you are receiving the feedback where the giver is emotionally charged you need to be able to cut away the emotional aspect. Remember that it is for your improvement. Listen carefully to not what the emotion and the words are saying but to the basic characteristic traits in you they are addressing. Once you have identified which trait is being addressed end the discussion. Later you can ruminate over the feedback and find out if it is accurate. If there is some truth behind those statements then you can inform the giver that you got the message. That you will work on it.  If there isn’t, then you can inform the giver that you got the message but that’s against what you believe in. That they have to accept you the way you are.

Observatory Feedback

   This is a relatively easier kind of feedback. It is easier because you are only mirroring personality traits without any personal opinions. Here you say

“I observe this particular trait in you” or
“You come across as a say, frivolous, person” or
“You come across as a serious individual”

   And so on. There is no advice or suggestion, all you are doing is: reflecting the way a person appears to you. You leave the decision upon the receiver to make. You don’t mind them either ways but still would like them to know what you think of them.  The decision to do so is purely altruistic. You want to let the person know how he/she comes across to others.

   While giving observatory feedback it is important to establish that you are not judging the person. So you say “ I am not saying that this is a bad or this is a weakness in you. All I am saying is that this is how you appear to me. This is the impression I have about you”. In fact you can even ask them if this impression is accurate. Leave the choice to the person to explain himself/herself.

   While receiving observatory feedback, it is important to guess that the person is not judging you and is telling you what you come across to him/her. So what you need to do then is figure out if they have an accurate impression about you. If they do, then you say it is accurate. If it isn’t, then you explain yourself so that their impression is changed.

   The fundamental principle behind the whole feedback mechanism is that feedback should be given and received in an open and unselfish manner. Feedback should not be given with the intention of hurting a person. It should not be given for personal gains. It should be given so that there is mutual understanding and development.

   Readers, if there are more kinds of feedback please put up the comments so that future readers and I can learn: feedback to the feedback article! 🙂

The importance of feedback

    One of the things that I had always believed in was to withhold the negative aspects of a person. Even when someone comes up to me and asks me what I thought of them I would highlight the positive aspects and the ones that I admired. I believed that it was not a good idea to point out flaws because I thought it wouldn’t help. My notion was that it wouldn’t help the person in any way because what I tell him/her is an assessment based on the lens through which I see the world. That lens itself might be flawed. I might bring in my personal prejudices. As a result of which the assessment could be flawed. Now everyone would agree that it is not a good idea to assess a person based on false assumptions.

    However over the last few days I feel that this philosophy has a major flaw. I noticed it when my good buddy called it bull crap.  He picked and pointed out that such an outlook would mean that people cannot grow and improve. Associations with me would be like “watching a fashion TV show”. Those were his very words!!!

    His explanation is that FTV is fun and entertaining. At the end of a couple of hours you might walk away with a smile. It was a good way to spend some time. But there was nothing meaningful. You will never remember an FTV show for the rest of your life. So if you truly want to help someone, if you want to have close meaningful relationships, if you want to grow as individuals then feedback is very important. That is one of the keys to deep meaningful relationships

    Giving feedback is like a parent bringing up a child. Sometime you have to say things that hurt the person. But you are willing to play the bad guy so that your friend might improve. You are wiling to risk getting into a persons bad books because you truly care for him or her.

     Even before this conversation happened I remember my conversation with another of my friends. She said I believe that the world is perfect, that I don’t see flaws in others, that I do not point out those flaws. Worst of all I expect her and most of my other friends to be perfect. She says, “But that is not true! The world is imperfect I am imperfect, and you will have to deal with all the imperfections.”

     So I told her “ I know that, the world is imperfect. Hell! Even I have imperfections. But I have a way of dealing with imperfections. I choose to ignore them.”

     To this she didn’t have much to say and we left the conversation at that. I went over those words and they sounded so wrong!

     Another example! I was walking with this friend of mine who told me what friendship is all about. Its about telling each other when there traits in one another that are undesirable. “If you don’t tell me, how will I know? How will I know what you like and what you dislike? Friendship is all about having the guts to speak out. It doesn’t make any sense if you cant speak out while you are with your friends.”

     Well that was a lot of information, all revolving around the same subject. Feedback!! That got me thinking… maybe the way to solve imperfections in others is to tell them. Tell them that you have a problem here. Tell them that you are saying so because they truly mean something to you. You care for them. And you want only the best for them. Maybe it’s from your perspective. Maybe it’s all-wrong!! But then that’s for them to decide. You gave them more choices. They know that you care. They know that you are concerned. There is meaning now. There is a purpose in having friends other than to have some fun. Books are not the only way to learn how to life your life. Friends and feedback definitely help!!!!

Things to do after your visa

    There are many things that need to be done and the list goes on. Check out the page I put up under my pages(It was too long to put up here).  This list is different from the list in the link below.

    The following site also lists out a few things to do. Very useful

 http://www.k-state.edu/isa/Pages/THINGS_TO_DO_AFTER_VISA.htm

To carry or not to carry BOOKS

    That is the question. One of the stories that you hear always is that when you go for your studies to US try and keep the expenses to the minimum. One way to do so is to buy all your books back home and either ship them across or carry with them when you go.     

     I asked around, if this needs to be done. And the over whelming response is that, no books need not be carried. The reasons are

1. The library facilities are generally good and you can find most of the books there.

2. You generally do not know in advance exactly which all courses you will take. So it is very difficult to predict the requirements.

3. The books that you get here might not be the ones recommended by the professors over there.

4. It adds to the weight that you will have to carry with you and results in unnecessary baggage.

Things to do before you leave the country for your masters

    Before leaving for your masters there are many things that you still need to do. Let me first tell you were I have reached.

1. Got an admission

2. Got my visa stamped for 5 years.   

    The problem is that I still do not know of a single person who would be doing his/her masters in biomedical engineering at Duke university. Both my to be roommates are going to do their PhD.   

    That too should be very interesting. I am Indian and they both are Chinese. The first thing I need to do is figure out how it is to stay with Chinese. Maybe all I need to do is go there and find out. I guess a better approach would be to call them up sometime and have a talk.   

    The second thing is that I did my under graduation in computer science and now i am switching over to masters in biomedical engineering. So I need to figure out the books that I need to take with me. That is a tall task. But maybe what I need to do is mail a few professors/ students at duke.   

     I had mailed the professors but they didn’t respond. I have to figure out a way to identify students and mail them. But how do you identify the students.   

     From another perspective I need to find out the cheapest flight that I can take to Durham-Ralegae from Tivandrum. www.makemyflight.com did not help. Travel agents can come up only for a flight that costs 35000-40000 rupees. I am trying another travel agent now.    

     That brings me to another question. How do people generally carry cash? How am i to pay for my registration fees and other fees for the first semester?  .

     Talking about fees. I need to find more aid. I have a fellowship but that only pays for 30% of the fees, what about the remaining?    

     Then of course i need to buy clothes for a different kind of weather and bags to carry them. Some people even suggested food and utensils. I wonder if all that is necessary.     Currently these are the pressing questions. When I get the answers I will put them up as well.  

VISA stamped name

My visa was couriered today. As I had predicted my name is stamped exactly as it is in the passport. Under surname they have written my entire name and under given name FNU is printed. This clashes with what is written in my business visa. However i do not expect it to be a problem.

I still maintain that if you have time get another passport for the name problem. But the good news is that they will not reject your visa based on this given name/ surname issue.

The conclusion is that there is no hard and fast rule. If there are no spelling issues your visa will not be rejected. Mail the consulate. They are generally helpful.