Expectations and Relationships

  As you go through life you find that, often you relearn the fundamental principles that lead to a good life. By the fundamental principles I mean the ones that were inculcated in you by your parents, teachers and other older people who could have influenced you. The process of forceful learning starts at a very young age and continues only to a certain stage. Beyond that you make conscious decisions to learn or not.

  Then comes a stage in your life when you are faced with many questions. You are unsure as to the decisions you should take. You are unsure as to the kind of person you want to be. You find help by reading books and talking to people of your age group. You discard the advice of older people because you feel they are not in touch with your generation.

  One of the lessons I learnt recently is about expectations. I know most people learn this pretty early, but then I have always resented learning it. Expectations are the corner stone on which close relationships are built. You expect your close friends to act in a particular way. You expect your girlfriend/ boyfriend or spouse to do certain things. You have expectations of your son/daughter, parents, siblings and other close relationships. This is completely natural. The flip side is also true, these close relations of yours including your friends have expectations of you. They want you to be honest; they want you to tell them of your thoughts, feelings and fears. They want to see the real you and not the façade that you put up.

  I learnt that you cannot be the same with a good friend as you are with an acquaintance. This was brought to light a few weeks back when a friend of mine, rather an acquaintance, asked me the question “who are all your friends in Bangalore?” I gave her a list of twenty people, including her, who I had met probably 4 or 5 times before.

  Then she said

  “This conversation is making me uncomfortable. It is impossible to name me and people you have know for ages in the same breath. It makes me wonder about the kind of person you are.”

  That got me thinking for a while. Well again it comes back to expectations. The world expects people to act and behave in a particular way. She went to the extent of expecting what my close friends expect of me. That is to name them and not her.

  Another friend of mine, this time yes! A friend, spoke at length of expectations.

  She said, “ Your close friends need to know more about you. You owe that to them. They deserve it. That’s what they expect of you and when you don’t provide they feel unsatisfied. They feel as though you are hiding something and that you don’t trust them. You have no idea how many people care about you and want to know you better. How will you know unless you talk, unless you tell them about yourself, unless you want to know about them?” Those were strong words and to an extent I did get the meaning behind them.

  Well let me also provide the counter argument provided by my good buddy who I have known for a very long time now. He says that maybe, I don’t have to be open and close to people. For if I do, then that might allow them to interfere in my personal choices and beliefs. They might disapprove of certain aspects. That would lead to friction. That might cause a good relationship to turn sour. So if you are the kind of person who would like to lead a life where relationships are without hick ups and without fights then the approach I choose is effective.

  He says that it will work for 99 percent of the relationships I have. There the world will appear perfect. In only 1 percent where there are close relationships, with expectations, will this approach cause a problem!

  I guess both approaches, one where you are open and honest and another where you are closed and put up a façade, have their advantages and disadvantages. Let me try to sum them up.  

  The advantages of a closed personality are
1. You do not have any fights
2. You can afford to not tell people about aspects they might not approve
3. You can have great relationships even with people who are very different from you
4. You will have many friends
5. You will be remembered as a great guy who is fun to be with

  The disadvantages are 
1. You appear two dimensional, without emotions to others
2. You do not have close relationships
3. People think of you as a person whom they never really knew
4. After a while people stop expecting things from you.
5. They wonder if you are truthful or if you are manipulating them

  The advantages of an open personality are
1. People know who you are
2. People know very well who all matter to you and who do not
3. People know what to expect from you and how will you behave
4. You have some very close friends who completely know you
5. Your close friends know that you have their best interests at heart

  The disadvantages are
1. You occasionally have fights with others
2. You cant get along with people who are very different from you
3. You might upset people and get easily bugged with others
 
  That’s what I have analyzed and found out. You can probably imagine which approach I have chosen. You can also imagine the consequences of the choice. But the interesting part is that even after knowing about both approaches and the consequences, I would still pick the one where I am comfortable. Finally that’s what you have to do. Figure out what would you rather have. Figure out how much are you willing to change. Figure out what you want in life. Figure out the kind of relationships you want. Figure out who matter to you and how much. Figure out a place for each person. Prioritize and spend time and effort according to that place and priority. You need to be clear on this. Otherwise you will send mixed signals and that is worse.

  If you are going to be close to a person they would expect you to spend good time with them. If you aren’t then they would not expect it, you have a choice. I leave the question to you. What would you rather have?