Knowing a person

  A few days back I had a very intriguing conversation with my good friend. It was about a subject that has been occupying my thoughts for a while. I needed answers and outside help. So I turned to him.  That evening after work I told him “lets go for a walk, and this time no distractions!” So I left my mobile at home and ensured that the conversation is focused and uninterrupted.

  I started by asking “Dude, we have known each other for over six years now. But how well do we know each other?” To this he set out with the following exposition.

  “What do you mean by knowing a person? Do you mean we can get along without any fights? Do you mean we can stay as roommates for over a year now and spend most of our time together without getting bored or bugged with each other? If you do, then we know each other pretty well! We don’t get into arguments and we don’t have major disagreements.” He was probably giving an explanation based on my concepts, in my language so that I can feel at ease.

  That got me thinking. Maybe we do not have major arguments and disagreements because we do not know each other at all. Maybe we have decided to shut our eyes to each others faults, maybe we have decided, subconsciously, to not broach topics where our opinions conflict. That reasoning would again point to the conclusion that we know each other’s likes and dislikes. Does that encompass knowing a person? Is “knowing” a person all about knowing what a person likes and dislikes?

  We continued our walk and along with that our conversation, and he put the question back to me. “If you were to put a percentage on how well I know you what would you pick?”

  So I go:  “about 80 to 90 percent”. To this, his answer surprised me “No way dude! That’s way too much and how did you pick that figure?”

  Then my answer was

  “I would have to evaluate it the following way: I would first think about how well you know about my likes and dislikes, then I would think about how many different moods have you seen me. I might go one step further and see if you know about my friends, work, family, history and other peripheral factors. How well can you predict the way in which I will act under certain circumstances?”

  That’s how I might try to quantify and arrive at a percentage. Hearing this he upped the figure. He said in that case then he would probably know 95-99 %.  Six years in enough time for that.

  But he had a slightly different way of figuring out how well he knew a person. To him it was more about how honest a person was. Does he beat around the bush or does he give straight answers. If he, my conversation partner, were to ask a person a question how direct will the answer be? Would he try to avoid the question or imply that he does not want to answer the question?

  Based on that analysis he says he does not know me that well. He does not get answers at times, at times the answers are a bit twisted. Not that he minds! He knows me well enough to not let that bug him. He has come to the conclusion that this is how I am and this is how I should be dealt with.
 
  Which brings us back to the topic of our discussion what is knowing a person all about?

1. Is it about knowing the likes and dislikes?
2. Is it about knowing the different moods?
3. Is it about predicting how a person will behave?
4. Is it about knowing the background?
5. Is it about knowing a person in and out?
6. Is it about knowing where a person will be at a particular time?
7. Is it about knowing what a person is doing at a particular time?
8. Is it about expecting honest answers all the time?
9. Is it about knowing that the person has your best interests at heart?
10. Is it about knowing that that person knows you?
  This list goes on. But the gist is clear. Different people have different viewpoints as far as knowing a person is concerned. How important is it to know a person? It is important only to the point you define it. For a woman it might be important to know that the guy will not abuse her. For a friend it is important to know that your friend will not take advantage of you. For a parent it is important to know that your children love you and respect you.
 
  So is “knowing” only about selective knowing and if you know what you need to know about a person will you assume that you know all about him/her?